Finding My Way

"Many of us feel we cannot draw, even though as children we did."  This quote is taken from a book I just received The Confident Creative by Cat Bennett.  This one sentence says is all for me.  When I was a child, I would spend hours in my room drawing and creating.  I taught myself how to draft a pattern and made clothes for my dolls by hand.  Oh was that fun.  I taught myself to embroider and embroidered baseball themed pillow cases for my brother's room.

I found so much solace in these creative pursuits and for the life of me I cannot remember when it all changed.  I have a feeling it was a gradual progression of inner critic voices telling me that I could not draw, I could not sew,  I could not……  I often sit and think about this and try to figure it out, but nothing comes to me as some great incident other than the fact that I was riddled with strong self-doubt.  I just never felt good enough which is kind of sad because I know that I missed many opportunities because I did not believe in myself.

I have been working on two projects today (pictures to come later).  It took me most of the week to convince myself that I could do them and once I got started, I realized just how much fun I was having and how rewarding it was to at least try.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is very subjective.  Plus, and this is really big dear reader, if I continue to spend my time worrying about what others will think, I will never get anything done.  I had to ask myself why I am creating, why I am taking online classes and what do I want to feel at the end of the day.  These are very valid questions that have made me dig deep to see just what is it I want to do?  I do not have the answers today, they will be part of my journey through change/release for 2014.  I hope that I will have some sort of answers as the year progresses.

One of the online projects, Journal52, that I am working on this year had us make a simple journal.  On the cover I put the words OPEN UP which is part of my process, open up and let the creative juices really flow.  I find that I can be very closed and rigid.  Each line has to be just right, no coloring outside the line. Have precise guidelines….I realized where this comes from, I was a trainer, project manager, project analyst for nearly 30 years.  My life was project plans, meeting deadlines and keeping everything on track.  There was no time to plan, what with job, raising children and attending college.  Even when I made greetings cards which I love, I drew a project plan for making cards.  So as part of my year of change, I realized I am no longer a project manager.  My life does not have to be so rigid and structured, I can plan and have fun.  I can mix colors that are not supposed to jell.  I can draw a face with wonky eyes and most of all I can just play.

I think I am writing this today to give myself permission…..permission to really enjoy what I do and to open up to new and exciting possibilities.  There is no picture with this post today.  Do not need one.  I just need to listen to my words, embrace them, love them and live them.

So that is it for today dear reader…..I sure to hope that I follow my own advice during 2014.  We shall see.